Fear

This week’s theme seems to be fear. Fear of change, fear of loss, fear of intimacy, fear of success….fear of happiness. Fear is that subconscious barrier that keeps us stuck in our comfort zone regardless of how much we want to change. But change is going to happen and the question becomes, are we going to direct that change or become victims of it?
The problem with change is that it requires creating new habits. “We develop our habits and then are controlled by them.” “The only way to change a habit is to replace it with a new habit.” Replacing one habit with a new one is tough because our habits have served us well, helped define us, and provided us with a way of acting in most situations without having to think too much about it. If we are going to replace one habit with another, learn a new paradigm through which to understand and react to our world, then we basically have to kill part of the person we have become. And believe me, those endearing little habits don’t die easily or without a fight.

So what’s so wrong with our habits and are they really a way of hiding from our fears? 

• Example One: I have a friend who has allowed himself to get in the habit of checking on his wife, a bit too much. When checking up on her, he becomes concerned when she is acting in unexpected ways. This leads him to check more often and makes her feel like he doesn’t trust her. My friend knows that if he continues acting this way, he will eventually destroy the relationship and drive his wife away. But he continues to do it anyway.


• Example Two: I have a friend who continues to get into toxic relationships. She meets a seemingly nice person, enjoys the company and companionship for a while, but soon finds this person not caring for her in the way she thinks she deserves. This person seems to meet all of her relationships in the same places, is attracted to the same set of characteristics in her men, and let’s the relationships move forward at the same predictable pace. But every 6-18 months, there she is with her heart broken and wondering what went wrong.


• Example Three: I have students how claim to want to be successful. They work hard when in class, but when they go home, they either get wrapped up in other people’s drama or escape into the immersive world of online gaming. There is nothing wrong with either of these activities; however, when they come back to class, they wonder why some of their classmates are progressing much more rapidly than they are. Repeating this over twelve to eighteen months, the students who had so much desire and potential wake up to find that they are losing out on jobs to their less-talented peers.


• Example Four: We have recently started a Toastmasters club on campus. There are numerous students, faculty members, and staff who have attended a meeting or two and then say “But I don’t like having to speak in groups” and quit showing up. DUH! Isn’t that the purpose? These people know that others have grown because of this opportunity. They know they will be more successful in their careers, in their relationships, and in their lives if they develop self-confidence by improving their communications and leadership skills. These people would rather remain unfulfilled than commit to challenging themselves for a few hours a month in a friendly, positive environment.

I mention these examples, because I relate very well to them and have lived them at one point or another. We each have habits we use to limit and protect ourselves. Most of these habits served a purpose at one time but now keep us from getting what we really want and deserve. Instead of protecting us, they insulate us from the underlying fears that gnaw at our stomachs and keep us from living remarkable lives. It takes courage to create new habits, to acknowledge our fears, and to learn to control their influence in our life.

“Do what you fear the most and you control fear” – Richard Bach

So turn off the GPS and the cel phone and next time you want to look at your wife’s day planner, go give her a hug or write her a love note instead. Go out with someone who is completely different than the men you have gone out with in the past (an older gentleman who may not be quite so hot anymore but knows how to care, to listen, and to be supportive might be a place to start). Instead of hiding in video games, write three paragraphs for your new web site before you allow yourself the luxury of tuning out or getting high. Show up at a meeting, volunteer to give a speech, you’re not alone. Change does not require major effort or sacrifices. It requires developing new habits by doing little things on a regular basis until we develop new habits that lead us to success and happiness.

“At the end of our lives, it is the things we never did that we regret most.”- Harriet Beecher Stowe

Don’t let your fears ruin your marriage. Don’t let your fears keep you from finding the fulfilling relationship you always wanted. Don’t let your fears keep you from becoming the success you know you have the potential to become.
I understand, I’ve been there too, and for what its worth, I believe in you and know that you really can have everything you’ve always wanted out of life.